I think nursing school has finally caught up with me. Today as I was kicked back completely horizontal in this funky chair waiting at my chiropractor's office when I realized it. As I laid there with my feet in the air it occurred to me just how unable I am to relax. I had absolutely nothing that I should have been doing other than waiting patiently for my God-Among-Men-Chiropractor to retrieve me and manipulate my throbbing back on his glorious torture wrack. Instead I lounged there with my eyes closed, outwardly appearing for all intents and purposes completely relaxed and at ease. Unfortunately, on the inside my heart was pounding, my muscles were tensed and poised for attack, and my mind was absolutely racing trying to figure out what I've forgotten to do, what I still need to finish, and what is coming up around the bend. Even though I accomplished an extraordinary amount of busy work in peds class today during our dependably dull guest speaker, my psyche still would not allow me a solitary moment of peace. When did this happen?
For example, twice already while writing the above paragraph I have clicked over to another tab and emailed myself a reminder to do something that I will most likely forget. Welcome to my life. I clog my own inbox with emails demanding that I "pay credit card!" or "pick up Rx from Costco!" or "submit outpatient paperwork!" or "wash beige underwear before clinicals!" Its depressing.
Lately I've been trying to remember what its like to have this thing people keep referring to called "time." I know there must have been a point in my life when I worked, came home, and spent the rest of the hours in the day doing what I wanted. Surely? What is it I did, exactly? Television? Cooking? Reading (for pleasure!!)? Was there a time that I actually spoke to my husband or child more than to just complain or relay instructions to wash hands, brush teeth, wipe his butt better (Ayden, not Dustin)? Because if there was I honestly cannot remember what it was like. The best thing I can compare it to is childbirth, you know it happened, you know the general way things went down, but you can't remember how it FELT. I feel like a goldfish who only has a 3 minute memory and whatever its been doing the last 3 minutes, that's what it thinks it's been doing its whole life. I've been stressed out, overworked, sleep deprived, and inundated with too much homework my whole life. Well, more like the last 11 months but it sure doesn't feel that way. I see friends and family members who go off to work and upon returning home do whatever the heck they want, completely taking that fundamental freedom for granted and I'm finding it increasingly hard not to be bitter. I come home, get on the internet, complain with classmates on Facebook which is equally as important as actual study time, sift through the 20 some odd emails I receive every day from MUSC demanding I do something or other, and sit and cry over the sheer load of memorizing and paperwork/busy work that comprises my daily education.
This semester has been particularly grueling because we are now in class and clinicals all 5 days per week, which leaves no time during the week to breathe or work on what's due the next day. It does help that I skip class as often as humanly possible, but that only gets me out a day or two and only when we don't have tests. That may sound like a lot, but we've literally had a test almost every single week for the past 11 or so weeks. Ahhhh! My weekends are inevitably spent typing, formatting, printing, highlighting, and doing my best to memorize 15-23 pages of size 10 font to be regurgitated a few days later for a test. My tolerance for such banal activities is minimal and inevitably leaves me cranky and using my time un-wisely (commence Facebook pissing and moaning here).
I keep telling Dustin to remind me that we always knew nursing school could be like this and that I walked into it with both eyes open. We both knew that he may wind up an MUSC widower, but I guess its just never been quite this all-consuming and up till now I've managed to keep my head above water. The only thing that gives me any sense of peace at all right now is knowing that in 136 days I will be walking that stage and accepting my BSN.
I'll sign off now because its time to go take my 8 pm sleeping pill and crawl in bed so I can get up at 4:30 a.m. and go take care of sick/dying children. My favorite. *sobbing silently*
